Drunk Hong Kong man picks fight with snake, loses

Picture the scene: a man from Hong Kong and a two-meter-long python, also from Hong Kong, somehow got into a fight after one of them had been to the pub (the man, we assume). No one knows what was said between the two (the man on account of being unfathomably drunk, the python on account of being a python), but we’d like to imagine it was the Cantonese equivalent of ‘what do you think you’re looking at you slithery bastard?’ On paper, it should have been a cakewalk. The man had a significant advantage in reach, and the snake had been skipping leg day since the day he was hatched. However, the python did have an ace up his… wherever a snake keeps aces. You see, the snake was comparatively sober.

His friends watched on in horror, amusement and inebriation as he was somehow knocked to the ground by the python, a python which put him in a headlock. And body lock. And everything lock. Pythons, you know? They fight dirty. The man’s friends called the only group capable of refereeing between a drunk and a snake: the fire department. They declared the snake the winner by technical crushing, and deployed a special snake sack to make sure the snake was safely released away from the local drunks. The man himself refused medical attention, probably because he knew his wife was about to kill him anyway.