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Why Am I - A WOMAN - Single at 30?!?
Topic : Examining how my life choices led to childless at 30
Topic Detail: I started listening to your show at age 20; I was already dead-set on my desire to get married and have children but my commitment to having kids was significantly amplified by listening to your show and becoming aware of the birth rate decline epidemic.
I was ideologically committed to the idea of having kids not only to carry on western values through my progeny but also as a part of my biological destiny; I considered my fertility to be a sacred gift that should not be wasted.
20 year old me would be absolutely horrified to know that 30 year old me is childless and unmarried. I was in a 5 year relationship from age 20-25 that imploded just before our nascent engagement; the end of that relationship has left me in a 5 year wilderness of confusion, guilt, and self hatred. I am evaluating the role that my upbringing has had on my life choices, questioning deeply how I was raised, and fighting back against an extremely toxic anti-natalist culture.
Sadly I have even encountered anti-natalism from my own family: grandparents, parents, and aunts are pressuring me to surrender my ambitions to have children. Even the Christian community has been unsupportive of what I consider to be my biological destiny and I’ve never felt so betrayed in all of my life.
I wake up every day confused about how I ended up childless and unmarried at 30, going over and over in my mind the actions and decisions I made that led me to ruin my life, but I just can’t make sense of it. I struggle to compose a coherent narrative that makes sense of the last 10 years of my life, I am hoping that Stefan can help me cut through the fallacies I am holding onto so that I can understand my own story. Although it’s too late for me to be saved, I’m hoping that my story can be a warning to other young women so that they can avoid the mistakes that I made.
I would so greatly appreciate Stefan’s insight
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It's interesting that telling the truth can result in such a hostile response, although I can understand and empathize with a degree of sensitivity on the topic. The term "chunky" even seems, to me, to be putting it somewhat delicately, compared to (for example) "tubby" or "fat". I think the more important questions are whether or not the statement is true, and whether or not it was said out of love. It's not good at all if the truth can't be shared at all, lest the honest person be punished. People need to become MUCH more tolerant of hearing the truth, and with speaking it out of love.
Her decision to initiate and pursue that relationship with him seems to have been one based in fear and convenience. Our options can be very limited, so I can understand this to an extent, but too many women are also looking to be "wowed" and entertained all of the time, and they fail to use good criteria in mate selection. Things like him not being a deep thinker should have been assessed and addressed before they hopped in the sack and proceeded with a relationship.
I'm currently at 51:55. It can be tricky where people have a lot of blind-spots, biases, immaturity, and there are only so many options. I think people mainly have to do their best to try to recognize and align themselves with the truth, and that can be a real work in progress.